When I wrote this song years ago I was too embarrassed to let anyone hear it. I was being so honest and exposing the real hurts and brokenness that I felt inside. It was a cry out from underneath a blanket of humor that made dealing with the past a little more comfortable and bearable. I knew that if people heard this, they would know my life is full of blemishes and a dark past. They would know I'm not really the easy-going goofy Tim I had been portraying for so long...
I'm not sure exactly when I started using this method to numb my pain but I know it was inherited through my family. My granny, mom, uncles, and all my brothers would always make jokes about the most morbid things. I remember going to my grandpa's funeral when I was 6 and my brothers were joking about the guy in the fancy box that was so bored at this "church service" he fell asleep. We all laughed and got smacked by mom when we were out eyesight for being disrespectful brats.
Growing up with that kind of reasoning imbedded in my mind by so many people, made me think that covering up emotion was the normal thing to do. Since I was the smallest and most emotional out of the four brothers, that made my job even harder. My brothers often called me a sissy, (the nicest of the other names) and I would think--I just have a big heart. If I'm being completely honest, I'm the kind of guy that cries when I watch the movie Babe:
"That'll do pig, That'll do" ...still gets me every time.
As an adult, I have learned that covering up emotions is not the norm, but with broken people it tends to sit heavy. If you get a deep wound and all you do is put funny bandaids on it, you will eventually get an infection. It festers and makes your daily life more difficult with each step you try to take forward. The pain builds until you can't stand it anymore and when you tear the bandaids off, it exposes the gaping wound that should have been dealt with from the beginning.
We all have old songs, old wounds, and scars we carry with us like baggage as we move forward. I have learned that being vulnerable and allowing others to hear, heal, and help us mend, is one of he best ways to deal with these things. If we let people in on a deeper level and we are honest and open, then true restoration can begin. If you're hurting, find someone you trust that you can talk to and let your "old songs" free so you can make fresh new ones. I let my old song out today. It's not who I am, but it is who I was...now I can make a new one.
*If you think you have no one, message me, I'd be more than happy to be an ear. I'm not a professional by any means, and don't have all the answers but listening is free, and in doing so, you might gain freedom.